“An ex of mine had done anal before and I wanted to try it with her. But we were young and dumb and instead of using lube we would have spontaneous anal (without her prepping herself with an enema beforehand) and we used this watermelon scented lotion she had as lube. We did it once and my dick ended up smelling like fake watermelon scent and ass. Anal ruined. Haven’t eaten watermelon since.”

"Fuckin whip cream man. It always looked like a great idea but it just makes you sticky and not the good sweaty sex sticky horrible sugar sticky. Plus you get sick of all that sugar fast, 'babe I’m kinda full I’ll lick your left titty later'."

“In the ocean, saltwater dries everything up and you’re getting hit in the face with waves every few seconds.”

"Also first time while 69ing with my ex she farted, I know there was no shit but nothing can prepare you for a bare-assed fart in the face."

"Sex on a trampoline… Just kidding, that was awesome."

"Baby Oil is not as sexy as they make it in adult motion pictures…. My wife expressed the desire to get some baby oil, apply to each other and then have amazing, sensual, tantric sex for hours on end like they do in “those movies.” After talking some more about it, we decided that we’d need to put down plastic or a tarp to protect our floors and not make a mess. Flash forward to the weekend. We have 2 bottles of baby oil (baby powder scented!) and a painters tarp. Lay down the tarp, get naked, start applying baby oil to each other, LOTS of baby oil. Proceed to apply BOTH bottles and realize that baby oil is slippery, NO I MEAN SERIOUSLY FUCKING SLIPPERY. We’re slipping and sliding all over the tarp, falling all over each other, trying to keep our bearings while commencing sexytime. It’s just not working out. We’re trying to do doggy and I just can’t keep a firm grip on her waist and my knees keep sliding back and forth. I thought about standing up, but I probably would have broken my neck. At that point, we conceded and cut our losses. We started to clean up and realized that our tarp had a hole which allowed quite a bit of the oil to leak onto our hardwood floors. For about year after that, we had a 6×6′ very shiny spot on our living room floor. We still laugh about it to this day. One plus is that our skin was soft as a baby’s butt for weeks after that."

"Beach sex. No matter how many towels you put down sand still manages to get everywhere. Sand hurts."

"Hand job in the movie theater, I couldn’t enjoy the movie at all."

"I thought it was gonna be awesome having sex on ecstasy but she and I just ended up lying on our backs naked on the carpet playing with ourselves for like a couple hours. I tried penetration and ate her out some but it was so overwhelming I couldn’t really concentrate. So we just laid there naked playing with ourselves having some weird ass conversations. It was still pretty cool though."

"An office quickie. Sex with her on a desk facing me. It’s fine until your balls hit the desk. Couldn’t really recover after that."

"Making a Chewbacca sound in the middle of it. I laughed, he didn’t."

"First time having sex in the shower the other day but my girlfriend is only 5’3 and I’m 6’1 so I picked her up and put her against the shower wall and went to town. Apparently the next day she had a huge bruise on the back of her head where I had hit her against the wall. She went to the doctor and he said she had a mild concussion or “TBI” traumatic brain injury. Ill stick to the bed from now on…"

"Glow in the dark condoms. It’s impossible to not pretend it’s a lightsaber."

"Spit roasting a chick with a buddy. The next day we couldn’t look each other in the eye. Our high five in the middle of it will resound forever as a reminder of our shared shame. The true horror of it is that he ended up marrying her."

"Sex on a pool table, it’s like having sex on concrete, with a single layer of felt on top."

"One time my ex-boyfriend tried to be smooth and pick me up so that he would be standing and I would be holding onto him (every time I’ve done this I’ve felt like a koala), and so he goes to pull me off the bed and in some sort of catastrophic failure he dropped me, naked, onto the wooden floor. Oh but that’s not all, he was cleaning out his dresser so he had the drawers strewn about the floor so not only did I tumble naked face first onto the floor but I landed on several wooden dresser drawers."

"Bondage. I asked my partner at the time if he’d be willing to try it. Neither of us ever had before, so he tied me up. A few minutes into the experience, I looked up at him and said, 'Is this working for you?' He said, 'Not really.' I said, 'Me either. Untie me'."